I Love Knowing How This is Going To End

The Meaning of Life

“I was crying when I was born, I hope I’m laughing when I die, hope I got a castle in the sky”

- Wretch 32

I first saw Nickel Boys in December, before it came out in the UK. I went to a Q&A with those responsible for making the film. When it ended, I walked through Brixton in complete silence. I had never, ever seen a film like Nickel Boys, and I didn’t queue anything through my headphones until I was at least on the bus again. All Apologies by Sinéad O’Connor. I knew, then, I couldn’t not watch this film again.

My first viewing was completely blind. I had seen one trailer for the film a week before, at a different cinema experience, Queer, but beyond that I had no information the film. The trailer doesn’t give you much to go off. All I could tell was it looked beautiful, and that was enough, enough for me to use the fourteen pounds I had in my bank account to go to the Ritzy on December 20th. And when I got there, I watched the film, and I cried, and I asked RaMell Ross & Jomo Fray a question, and I knew, deep down, I had gotten lost. I knew that the film was so full, full with technical achievements, full with story, full with passion & full with love, that I could not possibly take it all in now, all at once.

I went to my second viewing the day it actually released, and I already knew everything that was going to happen, so this time, somehow, it gave me more to understand, and more to feel, and more to come away remembering: I love that feeling.

When I was growing up, from about the age of eight, I had this intense fear of dying. I think it started because of my exposure to media from a young age - I remember seeing news stories around death, terrified that it was coming for me next. Then, around 11, it got worse. The reasons for this, I know, I know exactly why I was scared of dying, but that is not what’s important now, I just knew that I couldn’t deal with the fact that someday I will return to a state I never experienced. A state that humans are always, always burdened with knowing is in their future.

I change which song I pick as my favourite of all time, every few months, maybe even every time you ask me, but I think they always revolve around the same four; It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over by Lenny Kravitz, A Song For You by Donny Hathaway, Charlene by Anthony Hamilton, and, finally, Dry Cry by Wretch 32 & Avelino. Multiple of these songs, funnily enough, are themed around death. And in that final song, Dry Cry, I think, is where I return to most often when describing which song I have the most affinity for.

A beautiful song, featuring gorgeous vocals and two incredibly heartfelt verses by two of the UK’s best lyricists, off an album I would say is underrated, and one that kind of released without much notice, none other than the views on that Wretch 32 Fire In The Booth. Avelino’s verse ends in what I think is the most beautiful part of the song.

“I talk to myself with no reply, friends I grew up with died, I guess I’m growing over life.” before joining Stacey Barthe on the chorus “should I cry, cry, cry, until my tears turn dry, still I dry cry.”

I often get lost in life. My career path is still completely unclear to me, as much as I know what I love. I’m sad, often, normally because of a relationship. I work until my feet hurt and my shoes break. But I know that, still, I love every moment of it. I love when I’m heartbroken. I love when I have wine and food with my best friend. I love it, even when my legs are tired, and I just finished a shift at 2am. Because I know how this ends. I know everything, and while life is impossible to predict, I know that it is going to end, and as such, I can understand, I can cherish, I can feel. I will never, ever regret loving, for a single moment in my life, because of this. Knowing how all of this is going to end is the meaning of life.

Nowadays, I’m not as scared of the end as I once was, even if I hope and pray it doesn’t come for me soon. Life is always, always beautiful.