Breezeblocks or:
How I Learned to Stop Hating Alt-J and Love Memory.
“She may contain the urge to run away, but hold her down with soggy clothes and breezeblocks” she sang to me over FaceTime. To be fair, I don’t think she sang the lyrics, she kind of just made Alt-J noises. I actually didn’t even know that’s what was being said in the song until I looked it up just now.
The song is kind of sickly when you think of it. It’s a bit much to listen to all at once. It’s a sticky toffee pudding song. Don’t get me wrong, it’s poetic and explores a lot… but, I feel as if it’s a few too many hits of “oof” over and over again.
I really love this song she noted, as she continued to write her essay while I stared at her pretty face over the phone. Yeah, me too I said back. I had heard the song before… probably. But now, at this moment, I quickly shazam’d it on my laptop, opened spotify and added it to my playlist. If I didn’t before, I knew the song now. And that meant I was technically telling the truth.
This was 2022. Me & this girl had a very musical relationship. I would always think of songs to show her, she would always play music, and there’s some that will always exist as songs that remind me of her. I love Meg Thee Stallion, but she will always exist in those memories for me. I was proud to say this was the first girl I really loved, and I’m still proud to say it now.
As 2023 came round the bend, this relationship wasn’t a thing anymore. Much less in 2024, when, instead, it now just exists as Snapchat “Two years ago today” memories.
That’s when I got a job at the busy pub I work at. At the time, I wasn’t thinking about this relationship (or how the job would change me, shape me or introduce me to many people - but that’s not a conversation for now). Then, Breezeblocks by Alt-J played through the work speakers. And suddenly, I was thinking about this relationship. I was thinking about the FaceTime call. Fuck. I did like this song.
This was when I realised that, now, I had a mountain of a task. I’ve got to detach this song from the memory, or I’ll go crazy. Either that, or I’ve got to get the song removed from the playlist (I did try. Didn’t work). And so, I began to think.
Please don’t go, I’ll eat you whole, I love you so, I love you so, I love you so.
I never really listened to the lyrics. I mean, I know certain parts, the sounds, the drums. But, really, I didn’t know. A love that hurts, one that is no longer reciprocated, and it’s enough to make your heart hurt and your eyes swell if you listen too close. But I figured now, now I was trying to depart myself from the song, I need to actually know the ins-and-outs. And I found myself surprised.
I’ll eat you whole, I love you so. That’s familiar.
I grew up reading Where The Wild Things Are. My mum had it ready to read to me when I was born, like The Gruffalo, maybe from my brother, maybe passed down from someone else. Then, one of the earliest memories I have with my dad is seeing the Spike Jonze adaptation of the book. It’s weirdly vivid in my head. I had long read the book before this moment, but I really remember seeing the movie. The book was at my mum’s, the film was at my dad’s. Two separate memories for the same existing piece.
The piece itself is about Max, who is an angry kid in his wolf suit - causing mischief and, eventually, being sent to bed without dinner. He ventures through his imagination to a world of wild things - who roared their terrible roars, gnashed their terrible teeth, rolled their terrible eyes and showed their terrible claws. He became king of the wild things, and romped and roared alongside them, until he smelt his supper back in his room waiting for him. He leaves to the wild things exclaiming “Please don’t go! We’ll eat you up! We love you so!”. It’s a love that hurts. And it’s an ending that represents that no matter what happens, no matter how mad, angry, sad, you are… the love still exists. And that was it.
I was devastated when that relationship ended. It took me so long to get over. I knew for a fact I would never experience this relationship again, this person again. We saw each other for the last time once, and I doubt we’ll ever see each other again. I was mad, I was angry, I was sad.
When Breezeblocks played, I was mad, I was angry, I was sad. But the love remained.
“I’m here [a weeknd concert], because a woman I loved told me I had to be, months before she left her hair on my pillow for the last time… I think about how much of myself I left behind for people to gradually find. Heartbroken.” - Hanif Abdurraqib.
I like Breezeblocks. I like Alt-J. Now i’ve written this piece, I think i’ve created a new memory for the song. Two separate memories for the same piece.